- Stopping smoking
- Trying to break the silly cycle of alcohol and drugs
- worrying about my weight
- questioning my job and career, feeling fed up about work
- adjusting to a long term relationship and leraning to be really myself with my boyfriend
- Moving home, dealing with financial stuff, feeling inadequate as an adult in an adult world
- The tumour
- my future
- my parents
- Facing the operation or else
- Afraid of what the 'else' might entail.
- I always felt different from other people and as a consequence I have spent too long wanting to be liked
- I took drink and drugs to feel funnierm more entertaing, more confident
- I lied to friends and family about my life, my other friendships, my habits, my past: because I felt different I was afraid to be misunderstood, so I was presenting another face to everyone accordingly
- I always felt different from the picture perfect girl my parents wanted or thought they had. I always felt the real me would have been a disappointment to them
- Because I desperately wanted to be liked I aways strived to be slim, beatuful, cool, even if it meant hurting myself
- I hurt myself when throwing up after dinner
- I hurt myself when going out and drinking even though I feel exhausted
- I hurt myself every time I said yes when really what I wanted was to say no
- I have spent most of my life not being myself, but desperately trying to fulfill the expectations other people had of me....really little sense of self worth
- Explore and assert my self worth
- Imagining and starting to creat a future for myself that really reflects what I want from life
- Spending quality time with my boyfriend, my friends and my family making sure I am always listening to my needs and making them clear to them.
- Avoid the stress and tension that sometimes may come from them without feeling guilty or selfish
- learn to say no a bit more
- Talk about my feelings of fear to people if I need to
- Tell myself lots of people love me for who I am. I am a shining jewel at yhe center of a beautiful lotus
- No one is ordering me to be nice or lovely, be mean if I need to or feel like it!
- Break the rules that do not conduct to my health
- Congratulate myself everyday for all these changes I am making
Without this illness, maybe I would have gone on living a life of quiet desperation for years, without changing anything
My body is being constructive, even in this illness. This for me may be the last opportunity to achieve emotional growth
I feel my body and my mind have been preparing for this for quite a while. I think there is a reason for all this, a quirk of destiny to give me a new chance in life
What did I get from being ill in the past :
- When I was at school sometimes I faked being ill. I wanted to stay home, pampered by mum, feeling protected
- When I got ill I didn't get told what to do, I got all the attention and I could make time for myself...complete freedom of choice, living in peace, being able to stayin bed reading and watching tv: i look for the same type of 'refuge' nowadays, when I get home sick of everything and everyone
- Too often I was made to do things I didn't feel like and didn't want to do. ...can the illness be a way to change my life and make my choices accepable to myself and my family? Does the illness allow me to express fears and feelings I would not normally feel entitled to express?
- Quit all my excesses and be healthy - I CAN DO IT
- Getting the chance to read, chill and meditate - JUST NEED TO SAY TO PEOPLE THIS IS WHAT I NEED
- Leaving my job - AND IF IT'S RISKY OR I DISSAPOINT SOMEONE; WELL SCREW THEM
- Realise what I really want to do - HAVE A JOB WHICH INVOLVES HELPING OTHERS
- Marry who I want without my family moaning - AND IF THEY DO, SCREW THEM
- Being given space by my boyfriend and friends - IT'S ABOUT ME LEARNING TO SAY WHAT I NEED
- Realise how much people really love me - IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES.
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